Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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