My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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