I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
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