I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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