I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
