Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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