You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Terrible idea I love it
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
