He asked to "fluff my boner.."
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
