This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
