Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
