I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Is Oprah even human
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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