i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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