Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
