sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I booty called her while she was in labor.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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