Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
