I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
