I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
