mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
