I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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