census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
