I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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