Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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