i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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