you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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