I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
