i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
