I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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