ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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