Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Randomize
