I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
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I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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