after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
