I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
