No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
