Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
