dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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