and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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