just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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