you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
