seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
