I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
