Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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