sarcasm needs its own font
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
