I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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