Buhtt sex?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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