he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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