she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
