wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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