i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
