I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
