if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
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