Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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