Pregnant stripper...not hot.
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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