I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
