I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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