You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
