Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
