no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
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