I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
