so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
